You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
