got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize