Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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