I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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