so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
