Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
