I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
