I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
