You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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