feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
