tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
