Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
