Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
