God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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