Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
