Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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