Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
