She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The feeling are messing with the penis
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
