Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
