he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
