I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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