Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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