Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
