Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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