I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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