I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
