Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
