If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
