I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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