Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
