omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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