If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
