my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Enjoy the penises
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
