the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
