My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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