now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
