Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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