I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
and she was petting her beer can
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I smell like Dick and happiness
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
