i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Randomize
