seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
