pedialite and red bull = repair kit
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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