she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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