Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
pray to the hookup gods
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
