i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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