mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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