I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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