My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
