I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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