On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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