I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
