I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Randomize
