He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
