remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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