he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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