So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize