Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Is Oprah even human
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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