JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
