There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
