Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
