My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Randomize
