It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
